it’s Jan. 2nd and the doubt is thick
I feel like daniel in the lion’s den praying they don’t eat me and in this metaphor, the lion’s den is my own self-doubt and past failures
this is way being fat most of your life does to you
It robs you of your freedom by robbing you of peace of mind. the knot in my stomach is just anxiety that “I know, I will fail” AGAIN
It is this ghost that haunts constantly and erodes confidence
it whispers from under the stones that you are too scared to turn over.
the lack of confidence or worth that drives the emotional reasons and turmoil that lights the “survival” mechanisms.
I never met a gym trainer that hasn’t been overweight and understands the scaffolding of this.
It has been a lifelong battle full of frustration, disappointment, and restarts to end up fat again
That is why this attempt means so much.
Every time I need to restart the desire to do so is less and less. It seems an impossible task considering I have run 2022km in 2021 and been to the gym 163 times in 2022 and I am still fat.
It is not like I don’t try – the fittest obese man over 50 you will meet.
2021 and 2022 have been hypothesis testing-
Will running 40 km a week lose weight(for me): NO
Will going to the gym 3 times a week to lose weight: NO
What is left? Eating only Eating
I never thought I ate bad or even too much but I can conclude that those carbs I do eat make me store fat quicker than most.
I also can conclude that I don’t eat enough protein. 1.8 grams per KG I want to weigh.
therefore 2023 is all diet
High protein diet of good wholesome foods and protein shakes to get me to the protein number per day I need. I am aiming for 162 grams per day.
Doubt or not, this is the hypothesis for 2023